Change Starts with Joy

Sandra Peeters
Jun 27
5 min read

Joy is not a luxury. It’s not an afterthought. It’s not something you only get to experience after everything is fixed, healed, or perfect.

Joy is the change-maker.

Yet, for so many, joy is also what was taken — piece by piece, chipped away by toxic relationships, by environments that drained instead of nourished, leaving no room for anything light or playful.

Sometimes, joy is stolen in ways so subtle, so insidious, you don’t even notice it’s gone.

This can happen in toxic co-parenting, in relationships where control is disguised as concern, or even in workplaces where happiness is treated as a distraction rather than a necessity.

Imagine this: You’re having a moment of laughter, feeling good — light and connected. Then suddenly, that joy is turned against you. You’re accused of being selfish, irresponsible — like feeling good somehow means you’re doing something wrong.

To a controlling person, your happiness may be perceived as a threat. And that’s the trap.

Control isn’t just about direct orders — it’s about making you doubt yourself, your emotions, and shift your focus from joy to stress, from connection to conflict.

So How Do You Shut the Door on This Kind of Negativity?

1. Recognize the Pattern

Once you see the manipulation for what it is, it loses some of its power. When someone tries to dictate how much joy you’re “allowed” to have, take a step back and ask yourself:

Is this about genuine concern, or is this about control?
Would this person be reacting the same way if I were miserable instead of happy?
Does this situation actually require my guilt, or is guilt being imposed on me?

👉🏻 Naming the tactic — whether it’s guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail — creates distance. Instead of absorbing the negativity, you can observe it.

2. Do Not Engage with the Drama

Toxic people thrive on reaction. The more you defend yourself, justify your happiness, or try to “prove” you’re a good person, the more fuel you give them. Instead, practice disengagement.

Keep responses minimal and neutral (BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm).
Refuse to be pulled into unnecessary debates.
Set firm emotional boundaries — internally and externally.

👉🏻 Joy does not need defending.

3. Protect Your Energy

Not every battle needs to be fought. Some things can — and should — be ignored. You don’t have to let someone else’s bitterness poison your experience of life.

If a comment is designed to hurt, don’t let it in.
If a demand is unreasonable, don’t entertain it.
If a conversation exists only to bring you down, walk away from it.

👉🏻 You can acknowledge challenges without surrendering to negativity. You can fulfill your responsibilities without guilt being the driving force. You can care deeply while still protecting your own well-being.

No Lifestyle Change Works Without Joy

It's simple: if you don't like something, you won't stick with it. So if you hate running — don't run. Who says you have to? Maybe cycling, dancing, walking, swimming, yoga or strength training will make you happy. You may have to try some to find what suits you, but forcing yourself into something you really don't like won't lead to lasting change.

The same goes for food. Healthy eating is important — you need a decent daily dose of fruits and vegetables. But if you love meat, going vegan may not be the right choice for you. Adjusting to a healthy diet takes time and effort, but it should never feel like a punishment — you should be able to enjoy the process! The more enjoyable it is, the easier it will be to maintain.

Just like with food and movement, your relationships should energize you, not drain you. You don’t have to tolerate toxic dynamics out of obligation, and you don’t have to keep people in your life just because they’ve always been there. If the people you surround yourself with constantly make you feel weighed down, it’s worth asking yourself what that relationship means to you and whether it’s truly worth it. A joyful and healthy lifestyle often starts with choosing relationships that truly support you.

Unlearning Their Joy, Finding Your Own

If you've endured narcissistic abuse, you may need to take time to unlearn what brought joy to the other person and rediscover what brings you genuine joy.

For years, maybe even decades, your sense of joy was shaped by keeping someone else happy. You learned to walk on eggshells, anticipate their needs, and likely did everything you could to avoid triggering their anger, silence, or judgment. Maybe you were even told what you should like and what was “acceptable” for you to enjoy.

And now? Now it’s time to discover what brings you joy — without fear, without obligation, and without someone else’s judgment.

That process takes time. At first, it might even feel unfamiliar. But it’s worth it. It is worth rediscovering, perhaps through trial and error, what gives you joy. Trying new foods, new music, new places, new hobbies — not because you have to, but because you can.

Their judgment and emotions no longer matter. So don’t let them take up space in your mind either. You’ve made the incredibly strong choice to no longer give this person a place in your life. That also means you get to reclaim your joy — fully and without hesitation.

Joy Is in the Small Things — but Also in Dreaming Big

It’s true: joy is in the everyday. It’s in that first sip of coffee, a freshly cleaned home, an energizing walk with your dog. It’s in a spontaneous laugh, a good conversation, or the feel of sunlight on your skin. We all need these little moments to put a smile on our face, right?

But joy isn’t just in the small things. And while appreciating them is powerful, don’t let them become a reason to keep yourself small. Maybe you were in an abusive relationship that taught you to stop dreaming — where survival left no space for bigger goals. When dreaming felt unsafe, you may have learned to find joy in the little things because they were all you had.

But once you’re in a safe environment, you’ll realize you are allowed to dream again. To set bigger goals. To want more.

Don't fear failure. Move at your own pace and remember: joy isn’t just in the achievement — it’s in the process. In feeling alive, learning, growing, and daring to try.

Your path is yours. You do you!

Keep Choosing Joy

The best response to emotional control is to live well anyway.

Keep laughing (and singing, dancing) in your kitchen.
Keep enjoying the small moments.
Keep prioritizing your happiness, not as an act of defiance, but as an act of self-preservation.

Joy isn't just a feeling — it's a form of resilience. And no one should have the power to take that away from you. So, as of now: more joy!

••• ••• •••

❯ Joyful Living in the Oscillating Balance Tool

The Oscillating Balance Tool helps you visualize where you are thriving and where there is room for growth by assessing the key areas of life — including Joyful Living, which may be the most essential of all.

By fostering self-awareness, it highlights which aspects of your life need more attention, guiding you toward a more balanced and fulfilling sense of well-being.

Here are some questions to help you reflect on Joyful Living:

What really makes me happy?
Do I make enough time for laughter and fun?
Do I engage in relationships that drain my joy, or do I nurture energizing connections?
Do I have activities in my life that genuinely bring me joy?
How often do I allow myself to be playful and spontaneous?
Do I celebrate small moments of happiness?
What would I like to do more often, simply because it makes me smile?